Whenever You're Ready.

Hello world. It's been awhile since i last posted anything on this blog. A lot has happened, I can tell you that! I find it hard to believe myself. Let me just give you a quick update to what's new in my world.

1. I am working in a local hospital near my house.
2. I got engaged on the 6th of October 2012.
3. I got married on the 1st of March 2013.
4. I am currently 9 months pregnant :)

Alhamdulillah.

If someone would have told me 10 years ago that in 2013 I will be someone's wife and not long after that a mother,I would probably say : shut. up. :)

For someone who hated changes, I can't believe I'm actually going through possibly the biggest changes of my life. The transition from being a single girl to a mature wife (i can imagine my husband rolling his eyes), was rather a smooth one I should say. But what I'm afraid of the most right now is being a mother.

What do I know of being a mother? I am a kid myself! I feel like I should attend a briefing or a course or something on "How to become a mother." Like when before we started work, we had to go to this induction course where they basically told us what working life would be like for us, and how to cope with it. At least we have an idea of what's waiting for us...

So anyway, I am already on leave right now. Just waiting for my baby to make his/her grand entrance to the world. Although I am a nervous wreck just thinking about the day, but I just keep telling my now very huge 37 weeks tummy, "Whenever you're ready, baby" :)

Take Good Care of My Baby

by Neil Sedaka.

To my best friend's future wife, (by two hours)

Hi there, we've never met before, and i don't really know you, but what I know is that you're the luckiest girl today. For today, you'll be marrying a wonderful, sweet, caring, and loving guy...

Anyway, I think you should know that by now, that he's one hell of a great guy... He's really not that hard to figure out. Just be familiar with this 3 golden rules; 1) Dont let him be without food when he's hungry. 2) Don't let him get too tired and 3) never let him be without you for too long. Remember this and you should be fine :) All he needs is love actually. Just give him the attention that he needs and deserve. He has come a long way to be where he is today. Be there for him.

I guess I should say stuff like if you hurt him, ill hurt you (but i really will). But I know nobody's perfect. And I know it's hard to be patient with him sometimes. There'll be times when you would feel him being distant to u. Do not push him. Give him some space. He'll come running back to you when he's ready. At times you'll feel like he doesnt get you. But he does, he just pretends that he doesnt. I dont know, its a guy thing i guess. He's sensitive too, please dont change that bout him, thats what makes him special. He's not good at expressing things verbally, but if you pay attention to the littlest things that he does, you can actually feel it.

Today is the day that I have to give up my title as his bestfriend which i have been holding for 8 years, to you. You're the most rightful person for the job. He's all yours now.

So anyway, you probably hate me more now for this letter, well I dont mean anything by it. I just hope you'll take good care of our man, and treat him right, for he only deserves the best of everything. All I'm saying is that in the future, if ever you should discover, that you don't really love him, to quote Neil Sedaka in his song, please, just send my baby back home to me...

Sincerely,
Me.

Forbidden Affair.

From a novel I love...

"...And I smiled. Ofcourse I smiled. He's coming. I arrived at the airport at 1 am, and chose a bench in front of the French cafe to sit and wait for him. The place was quite secluded. People can be seen sleeping on nearby benches, while waiting for their connecting flights, just like me. I read "Eat, Pray, Love" just to pass the time, although i kept reading the same line over and over again. Apparently it's hard to concentrate when your heart is pounding rather quite loudly. Half an hour later, he texted me saying that he had arrived. Moments later I saw him walking towards me, and just like that the world died down for awhile, and all i could see was him. My heart forgot to do what it was made to do. As he came nearer, I felt at ease again. It was always like this. He sat next to me on the bench, and we chatted like old friends do. About 15 minutes into the conversation, he took my hand in his, sending unnecessary blood supplies to my cheeks. I immediately melted in his arms. Everything of mine fits with him. Every inch of me felt like a compliment to his. It felt so right, like this is how it should be. Then it was almost morning, he looked really sleepy. I offered my lap for him to rest his head, and he took it. It was all so romantic and sweet. He looks comfortable enough, lying there, while i ran my fingers through his hair. I couldnt asked for more. He fell a sleep moments later, for one whole hour, I could barely feel my legs anymore, but I was so afraid to move, afraid that he would wake up. I dont want this to end just yet. I watched him sleep, this is all so perfect. But all I could think of was "Why are you here with me? Why are you here when you know you're not mine? When you're going to leave me again soon. When you're going to hurt me again soon. Why do you hate me so much that you keep on hurting me. Come morning you'll be gone and leave me with yet another beautiful memory for me to cry over, alone." A tear escaped and I brushed it off quickly before it fell on his face and this turns into a fairy tale, or something. While he was sleeping, I continue on reading the novel in one hand, because the other was holding his on his chest..

...He woke up a while later. To have him wake up right in front of me is the greatest feeling ever. He kissed my hand and said Hey. I wanted to remember exactly how he looked like, knowing that this is as close as I can get to being with him. For a moment I pretended that he was actually mine. For a moment I pretended that he is without someone else and that Im the only one that he wants. For a moment I imagined that those eyes would only look at me that lovingly. I pretended for a moment, that the whole world gives us way to be together, just for one night. For a moment, I was deeply in love."

Someone Like You.

I was doing okei.

Until I came across this link, accidentally.

http://encikmimpi.blogspot.com/2011/12/letter-for-my-ex-bestfriend.html

I have nothing to say, except for sometimes you feel stupid and angry for being in a situation that any fool could see that you shouldn't be in.

but I guess sometimes,

you're not the only one.

It Will Rain.

Rindu.

:(

Please.

Be My Baby.

by the Ronettes.

"I'll make you happy baby, just wait and see.

For every kiss you give me, i'll give you three.

Oh since the day I saw you, I have been waiting for you

You know I will adore you till eternity."

Sooooo it's been awhile huh.

Let me see, let me see.

Oh yeah I am done with my clinical rotation.

That means I'm done with medical school.

Which means I am now......a doctor?!?!

Owh. my. God *mcm Janice from F.R.I.E.N.D.S*

:))

Im seriously both thrilled and scared.

Well more to being scared actually.

But am getting used to the life right now.

For instance, its only 7.40pm, i am already in bed and the lights are already out :D

i am bored. so very bored people.

i think i would rather be bored at home.

but i cant go back just yet, coz ill be graduating in November.

so i'll only come home after.

I've done a lil bit of packing. but it just seems impossible.

tell me again how do u pack 5 years of your life into tiny little boxes?

0_0

i am now addicted to the narvaez family, the ones on youtube.

both girls, eliana and alexa, stole my heart right from the start.

:)

other than that, well nothing much to tell.

both excited and nervous to start my new journey back in Malaysia :)

a little note to self:

Please, please, be strong.

"So won't you please,

Be my baby?"

:)

I Got Nothing Left.

Life has a funny way of teasing you.

You go along building courage to build your heart up again from scratch, glue-ing the bits and pieces back carefully, sheltering it from the rain or storm or anything that reminded you of what broke it in the first place and as time goes by, your heart starts looking like a heart again, instead of a puddle of broken glasses. But then, just for fun i assume, life blows you wind, or throws you a look-alike, or an extremely vivid dream, and like breeze upon your fragile heart,

it starts to rock.

Come Back To Bed.

how can one feel offended bout something that wasn't even real in the first place?????

it's 2 in the morning, and i have a feeling that i'll regret this post.

ted's mom did say that when it's 2am (or was it 3?) just go to bed kan. nothing good ever happens at 2 (or 3) in the morning :))

it's like you have a puzzle, and the picture is complete, except for the last piece. and the last piece somehow won't fit in the last place. no matter how you twist and turn, it just won't fit. and its a beautiful picture, and you want to complete it so badly. but what are you to do??????

maybe this is what panic attack feels like. should i go find a paper bag to breathe into :))

it's like you managed to swim past this big rock in your way, just to find yourself in front of another rock. and I could have sworn that rock looks just the same as the one I was struggling to leave behind not so long ago.

it's like not having the ankle-high boots, when you needed it. and i really wanted one.

and i've always wanted a white handbag, and i didn't get that one too.

wait a minute, what was I talking bout just now...0_0

i. just. wish. that. this. is. all. real. for. i. can't. take. another. failure.

this is nothing by the way. this post does not exist. whoever ask me bout this is clearly hallucinating. this is just me sleep-blogging.

at 2 (or 3) in the morning.

shhhh, go back to bed.

Said I Loved You, But I Lied.

"Said I loved you but I lied,

Coz' this is more than love I feel inside."

-Michael Bolton.

There are only two situations that would highly motivate me to write:

anger or love.

I remember a blogger once wrote that he does not want to be in a relationship because he doesn't want to have to lie.

There is truth in that statement actually.

You've gotta admit, once you're in a relationship with someone, you're bound to say things like "I'll love you forever" or "I'll never ever leave you", when you know you are the last person on earth to know what the future holds, but you say it anyway.

Because there are just some things that you would rather hear I think. For example, when you asked your husband would he ever leave u for a more young, vibrant, good looking woman, what would you rather hear him say;

"Ofcourse I won't my dear."

or

"Baby you know I can't promise you that."

LOL that's one week of sleeping on the couch for u.

So maybe it really wasn't a lie. Maybe people say those things because that's how they felt at the time. At the time, you really do feel like you can never leave her. At the time, you really do feel like you can love him forever. And so you said it out loud.

But if by God's will you went on separate ways after that, well don't feel like you've been cheated. Or that it was all bull's crap. Take comfort in knowing that at one point in your life, someone actually felt that way towards you. At one point in your life, you have been loved.

Granted, there are lying cheating jerks out there who only say those things just to get what they wanted, but let's just not go there, for Hell already have a special place for them I bet :-"

So anyway,

as cliche as this may sound,

'tis better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all.

:)

Out Of Goodbyes.

I think by now you would know that I hate changes.

I hate changes as much as I hate cigarette smokes.

You know how serious that is.

People leaving me is one of the changes I hate the most.

I like things to stay the way they are forever.

I want people to stay the same forever.

On my first day of kindergarten, I somehow went into the wrong classroom. I entered the 4yr olds, when I was 5 at the time. Half way through the day, the teachers must have noticed, and they took me away from my bestfriend that I only knew for less than 3 hours, but I went kicking and screaming just the same 0_0

Anyway.

I have a feeling that a lot of changes is coming my way in the near future.

A lot of goodbyes to be said.

Promises to be made.

I'm so used to life here for 5 years I'm not sure what I'm gonna do once I'm back home.

I'm already too attached to my friends here, that I'm gonna be so lost once I'm away from them.

"We gonna have to make new friends mak."

"Dang I'm too old for that."

So.

I do hate changes.

I don't respond well to them.

I get very emotional.

Very.

Please you,

Be patient with me?

0_0

Aidilfitri.

it's comforting to know that i'm not that hopeless in the kitchen anyway.

that i do inherit some of my mom's cooking genes, walaupun tak banyak :D

kalau stakat a decent hari raya feast tu, no hal lah ;)

Thanks For The Memories.

"On this day 5 years back, I was 19 years old, set out into the world for the first time.

On this day 5 years back, I was at the airport, saying my goodbyes to my loved ones.

On this day 5 years back, I thought 5 years is a really, really long time.

On this day 5 years back, I turned, and there you were.

On this day 5 years back, I thought you'd always be there..."

So it's our 5th year anniversary today! Im telling you A LOT has happened in the past 5 years, and I mean A whole LOT. Let me tell u some of them:

- My cousin, Zalina went away to UK to further her studies.

- My cousin, Ammani went away to Sydney to further his studies.

- My brother, Firas went away to US to further his studies.

- Zalina came back for good after FINISHING her studies.

- My dad got hospitalized in 2007.

- My mom got hospitalized twice for minor surgeries.

- I got hospitalized once for Hepatitis A.

- A couple of my cousins got married.

- A couple of close friends got engaged.

- My bestfriend Sabrina is getting married this September.

- I've had 5 birthdays here.

- A lot of my friends have already graduated.

- A lot of my friends have already started work.

- My best friend Farah Hanani is now a doctor.

- My aunty gave birth TWICE to beautiful little boys, Yassin and Muhammad.

- And of course a couple of heartbreaks here and there too.

I'm telling you, in just 5 years time, a lot can happen. People can change, promises can be broken, lies can be told, hearts can be hurt.

So how did I manage to survive living here for 5 whole years you ask? Well here's how, I think.

1. First of all God blessed me with a loving and caring family, who bought me tickets to go back home as often as I can, and they also came by here a few times.

2. Then God blessed me with friends here whom I truly love and appreciate everything they have done for me. Every laughter shared, every shopping trips, every vacation took together, every cravings fulfilled;) You guys kept me sane :) oh and God blessed me with this house whom I get to share with for 3 years with my bestie~ :)

3. God blessed me with best friends in Malaysia who were there giving me endless support. God blessed me with u. God blessed me with the weekly emails. God blessed me with a reason to come home to.

4. God blessed me with all those wonderful people I met while travelling alone in this country. There's pakcik Bandung who helped me get a place to stay. Pakcik Jakarta who sent me to the airport in the middle of the night. And pakcik Birthday, who treated us all to dinner :) maybe I do have that lost puppy dog face on sometimes:-"

5. And then, God blessed me with love for a couple of years :) God blessed me with your phone calls and love letters and parcels and your trips to Jogja :) I can't thank you enough.

6. Somewhere along the way God blessed us with Rempah Asia :D the closest to Malaysian food that we can get. A place for us to hang out, especially Sunday mornings :)

7. God blessed us with Parsley. Heaven knows just how much money we Malaysian spent on food there, sampai they can tear the whole place down to build a whole new one :)) they should call us to officiate the new building nanti :-"

8. God blessed us with Air Asia having flights from Jogja to KL, so that we dont have to go through Solo anymore :)

9. Not to forget Amplaz. God blessed us with that mall yang dah survived earthquakes and a fire incident too :))

10. God blessed us with internet (JMN, SMART, FLASH, etc.) Although line macam sampah most of the time, but at least we get to stay connected with our family and friends back home.

So that is how I managed to survive living here for 5 years. Ofcourse things aren't alwayssunshine-y and rainbow-y here. To think bout the things we have to deal with over the years such as the st*pid international programme, immigration, earthquakes, volcano eruption, outstation to sucky places, not so nice doctors, groupmates from heyl, failing exams, being hospitalized for a lot of different diseases, etc. But together, we survived.

So here's to my batchmates, Bachelor in Medical Sciences class of 2006 Gadjah Mada University,

thanks for the memories and may we cherish every single one of it. Cheers!

I Do.

If there's one thing that I've learned from all of this its:

in taking the next step in a relationship, it is important that the guy feels that he is ready to be married. The girl can gently steer the relationship towards that direction but the idea, the decision, should come from the guy first. Because i think that its okei if a woman is not ready, she'll have her husband to depend on anyway. but if the guy is not ready, most probably there will be some lying, and cheating, and regretting, and the whole vicious cycle will repeat itself until he's really really ready.

and owh, do not submit to peer pressure.

so to you out there, mr-i-don't-mind-making-my-wife-milo -at-3oclock-in-the-morning a.k.a mr-i-think-its-cute-that-my-wife-likes-to-whine-when-life-doesn't-go-her-way a.k.a mr-i- like -it- when- my- wife-turns-into-a-giant-attention-seeker-when-she's-sick,

i'm ready when u are :)

Never Again.

Its amazing how fast your feelings can change.

Like when you're watching a movie. From the very first scene you've got your heart set on the hero. Dah la comel, tinggi, kacak, bergaya plak tu. Then you get to the middle of the story where the hero can't be with the one he loves for some dramatic reason, and you just cant help but cry to see him hurt so bad. and the feeling you have for him grow stronger. and then tiba2 came the scene where the one he loves opens the door to find him in bed with someone else, and just like that all this feelings you have for him crash to the floor into a million pieces. you'll say cis bedeb, to think that i wasted my tears over you...you...you....sonofastarfish. Then all of a sudden all that love turns into hatred.

It really is amazing how fast your feelings can change, kan.

Wild World.

"Oh baby baby it's a wild world,

It's hard to get by just upon a smile"

Something scares the stars out of me lately. It's the fact that:

You can raise a child with every love in the world, u can raise them in every way right, you can raise them strict or raise them like a hippy, you can mold them to be just like you or you can brought them up any way you want to. You can do the very best you can, yet at 24 if they decide to walk into a bar and get drunk, or get themselves a tattoo, or runaway with a men they hardly knew, you wouldn't even have a clue about it, and get this, there's nothing you can do to stop it.

You can give a child just about everything he wants, shoes, toys, clothes, expensive gadgets, trip around the world, you can make sacrifices, you can give them everything you have and find more to give, you can stay up the whole night nursing them when they were little, you can shower them with gifts and attention, yet at 18 if they decide to raise their voice to you, hurt your feelings and make you cry, well they would do it without even thinking twice.

And it applies to every kind of relationship too. Be it between families, friends or even lovers. You can give your heart and soul to someone, do just about anything they want you to, you can bend over backwards to help them in every possible way you can imagine, you can embrace them as one of your own, you give them only the best and nothing less, but tomorrow if they decide to walk away from u, they would, without even a backward glance.

It's a cruel, cruel world out there people.

I'm hiding under my comfy blankie until the world makes sense again.

0_0

Can I Trust You With My Heart?

I think I understand now what Harry meant when he told Sally,

"When you realized you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." From the movie When Harry Met Sally.

It's nice when you have a picture of someone in your mind when you think about marriage. About who you would want to grow old with.

But it's even much nicer,

to have that person that you are picturing of in your mind, have a picture of you in his mind too :)

by Travis Tritt

When you meet that certain someone

You've been searching hard to find

It's a new love full of passion

That can sometimes make u blind

I don't mind being swept away

If I know right from the start

So before we go much further

Can I trust u with my heart?

In the times we've spent together

I have learned to trust in you

So many things you've given me

Before I even asked you to

But reality and romance

Can sometimes fall apart

So what I really need to know is

Can i trust u with my heart?

Can I cast my cares upon you?

Can you stand the heavy load?

Can I count on u to walk me

Down that long and winding road?

If you promise me these simple things

I can guarantee

You can always count on me.

When two hearts solely surrender

And are sworn to understand

It completes a perfect union

Between a woman and a man

So please don't misunderstand me

I dont want to go to far

Without knowing just one answer

Can I trust you with my heart?

Yesterday.

"Who do you think you are,
Running round leaving scars..."
- Christina Perri -

Looking back, if I could choose the best age to be in, it would be when I was 5 years old, when life was all about cartoons and candies.

Back then, I had no bad thoughts about anyone.

I wanted to be friends with everyone.

I played, I laughed, I drew, I coloured.

I ran, I fell, I cried, I got better.

I wasn't paranoid, or prejudiced.

Nor was I depressed. I was just naive.

I even shared my bekal roti that my mom made for me with a boy I hardly knew.

Wait, maybe that was when I made my first mistake,

my first wrong turn,

which brought me to where I am today.

0_0

Save The Last Dance For Me.

Tiba-tiba tringat this one korean or japanese series i watched a couple of years back. It was about this girl who has a crush on this boy, and she pretended to be a boy just to get herself into that all boys school the guy was in. Eventually another guy fell for this girl (typical i know) and there's this one scene the girl was crying because the boy she likes hurt her feelings (i know, i know) and the guy who likes her saw this (obviously right) and quietly hugged her with a "ces lelaki macam tu jugak yang ko nak, aku kan ada" look on his face and lastly he said macho-ly to her,

"Depend on me. I dont care who you love, i love you. Just depend on me."





Blurgh.

She Believes In Me.

by Ronan Keating

While she lays sleeping,
I stay out late at night and play my songs
Sometimes all the nights can be so long
And its good when I finally make it home, all alone.

While she lays dreaming,
I touch her face across the silver light,
I see her dreams that drift up to the sky,
And she wakes up to my kiss and I say it's alright,
And I hold her tight.

And she believes in me,
I'll never know just what she sees in me,
I told her someday if she was my girl,
I could change the world, with my song,
I was wrong.
And she has faith in me,
And so I go on trying faithfully,
Forever in my heart she will remain,
And I hope and pray,
I will find a way...

While she lays waiting,
I asked myself why do I hurt her so,
What called me on this long and lonely road
Why dont I turn around and head back home, where I belong.

While she lays crying,
Because she knows my heart is ripped in two,
I'm torn between the things that I should do,
She deserves it all, and I'd give it if I could,
God her love is true.

Momma Said There'll Be Days Like This.

"I remember you
Driving to my house
In the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes u laugh
When u know you're bout to cry
I know your favorite songs
You tell me all your dreams
Think I know where you belong
Think I know it's with me."
-taylor swift-

You know you're a medical student about to lose it when you woke up in the middle of the night with a sudden sharp pain to your lower right abdomen, and the first thought that came to your mind is
"Oh no, I can't afford to have appendicitis right now, I have case reports and exams this week"

and just like all those sleepless night u had when your heart is killing u,

you lay there quietly in the still of the night,

hoping to God that the pain would just go away.