You're Not Sorry.

so most of us got our first doctor's white coat yesterday.

we were really excited about it.

oooooh-ing and wuuuuu-ing at each other when we were trying it on.

some took pictures and sent to their parents, loved ones, wives too i believe :)

there's just something about the coat that is magical, somehow once when you put it on you just look different. you look like....a doctor. like the real ones hehe.

just so proud to see our friends wearing it. It's like we finally realized that we are going to actually be a doctor. it's not some faraway dream anymore. and ofcourse, we still know nothing! :)

but we're proud of ourselves for making it this far.

God knows it wasn't an easy road.

thanks to my family and a couple of my friends who were very supportive and excited for me too.

though there were also those who put me down. it's okei, really.

I'm not mad or angry or anything, just maybe hurt.

people never expect much from me anyway. it's always been that way since forever. and it's okei i rather people not have high expectations of me, less preasure that way. and if i do succeed, well it would just be a pleasant surprise for everyone:)

but to have your closest friends pandang rendah to you sometimes just tears you up. especially if the timing is not right.

i know medic indon ni x high class, tapi for the sake of knowledge x kesah kot kat mana kan.

lain kali please, x payah ask me anything kalau dah nak pandang rendah to me and medic indonesia. if you wanna know anything next time please ask those who are studying in UK, Russia, etc k. if you think i'm not up to your standard to be friends with you pun xpalah, its okei, i understand completely :)

lepas i'm posting this, nanti ada la yg nak mintak maaf, x payah la (save it for someone who would actually believe it). it's not only u. i know i'm not smart. thanks for pointing it out to me so blatantly, but i just don't quite appreciate the laughing behind my back by someone i trust. but anywayy, all is forgiven, i just wanted to post this as a reminder to all of us. to not beluttle each other.

certain people like to say things without thinking, because they feel like if their words hurt someone's feelings, you can erase the whole thing simply by saying sorry after that. thats just ridiculous. the damage has already been done. that sorry of yours won't worth much after that. life is not a magna doodle.

so if you can't be supportive, then just back off kot:) that simple kan. your negativity is not needed, thank u :)

besides,

didn't our beloved Prophet (S.A.W) once said

"If you can't say something good, say nothing at all." ?

:)

Put On A Happy Face.

sblm ni pun stress jugak, tension jugak.
tapi rasa mcm xleh handle and sgt2 depressed.

skg pun stress, lagi stress actually dgn thesis, seminar hasil, demam, block exam, laptop problem, TFSS, make up test, demam, PBKK, demam.
tapi somehow....i can still smile:)

i'm just saying
by just solving one crucial problem, the one thats been bugging you the most, u can face all the others with a happy face:)

im just sayin'
:)

Friends, Lovers Or Nothing.

when you're sick, and had nothing better to do;)

Lying Truth (Part I)

29 hours 35minutes 42 seconds. That's how long Adriana has been sitting alone in her room. That's also how long she has gone without eating a single food nor had she any human contact. Thank God for the attached bathroom to her room, or else that'll be how long it is since she last took a leak too.

She don't really know why she's doing this to herself. She just felt like vanishing into thin air. Not that anyone would miss me anyway, she thought. She just doesnt feel like dealing with the world right now. So much has happened, and there's only so much a teenager can take without breaking down completely. She never thought she could go one whole day without food too, and not feel hungry at all. If she'd known depression is the only thing that could keep her from thinking about food all the time, she should have been depressed a long time ago. She's not overweight or anything, but at sixteen, your mirror somehow has the same effect as the video camera has on the people on TV, it adds on an extra few pounds.

She heard a soft knock on her pink bedroom door. She remembered how she practically begged her daddy to paint it pink aeons ago. Now she wished it was painted black instead, it suits her mood better.

"Angel face, are you okei?"

Her mother whispered desperately through the locked door. Tears started to well up in Adriana's eyes again. She wanted to say that she's not okei. She wanted to tell her everything. She wanted to cry on her mother's shoulder. She wanted her to hold her tight and rocked her gently in her arms until she falls asleep like when she was younger. But she knew what her mother would say if she did tell her. Her mother would tell her that everything will be okei. That's just it, everything will not be okei. Nothing can make it okei again. You see, when a heart gets broken prematurely, it just wont grow back to the way it was ever again.

Adriana ignored her mother, and put her headphones on. She hit shuffle on her iPod playlist, and blast the volume up high. She lay on her bed and closed her eyes, wishing so hard hoping the world would go away for awhile and just leave her be with her sorrow. Out of 1256 songs on her ipod, the first song to be played just had to be the most depressive one. "Friends, Lovers or Nothing" by John Mayer. She thought of hitting next, but something in John's voice was kind of soothing. Until it reached towards the end when he was singing,

"Anything other then yes is no,

Anything other then stay is go,

Anything other then i love you is lie."

The verse kept on repeating itself over and over again into her ear, through her veins until it went to every living cell of her body and she felt like screaming okei I get it! She started to cry real hard then, her voice was caught up in her throat."It was all a lie," she said between sobs,

"It was all a lie."

Fools Rush In.

so i told someone about my life. well, part of it at least. the part that hurts the most. and here's what she had to say.

1. your problem is that u keep falling for the same damn type of guy. surprise2, you'll end up having the same damn outcome..

2. you tend to care (read: love) too much about people. people who is not even yours to begin with.

3. you fall too fast. you give in too easily.

ouch.

is this what people think of me. 0_0

so anyway i decided to start my year being different. coincidentally, someone (read: someone who is not mine to begin with) is sick right now, he's just a friend (but i fall too fast remember, so i have to be cautious). i'm practically sitting on my hands to keep from messaging the poor sick guy. i already did just now, but i just wonder if he already took his meds and worried if he's still not okei. but then that's caring too much, no? and so i'm not gonna. but i feel sooooo...hmmm, weird inside? why do i feel weird inside? does it supposed to feel weird? maybe it's one of those "it's gonna hurt bad before it gets better" situation?

then i began to think that maybe, just maybe, i am destined to be the fool who cares too much. that's just who i am. that's the role that i have to play in life. if i stop being that, well then,



who am i?

Auld Lang Syne.

okei so i guess it's my turn to write my summary about 2009. well, it was a colourful year that much i can say. I had a beautiful beginning, and a nice enough end. The middle....well let's just say it was full of drama.

It started out with 22 candles on 22 doughnuts.
Then there was a flower and a guitar somewhere.
A trip back home.
A really nice birthday party in March.
A really cool bday concert over the phone.
Jimah's surprise bday party at our house.
Then it was a blur.
The end of a beautiful friendship, and
The end of a beautiful relationship, and
The end of a beautiful life (07May2009 and a hard time for my dearest friend it was).
But there were a few highlights of my life here and there too:
- Zouk's wedding
- The roller coaster
- Magical weekend
- Great Taiping raya
- My dad's 60th bday
- Jasin trip
- Second time transformers II
- More Than Words on guitar.
But a few weeks ago, things finally started to fall back into its places. And I'm beginning to see my rainbow again :)


so, my 2009 was filled with a bucket load of tears, a whole lot of laughter, and a few lessons learnt. I think, by far, 2009 is the most challenging year for me. and i've got a feeling 2010 will be even worse :) I'll be starting my clinical rotation soon, and that means the end of my social life (yes firas, not that I even have one to begin with).

thank you 2009.
you taught me about patience.

10
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HAPPY NEW YEAR earthlings!


that's it people, it's a wrap!

Holiday.

" I understand feeling as small and as insignificant. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonay you drink with your girlfriends...you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood. And how the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however how long that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all the fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade..."

from the movie, The Holiday.

If My Heart Was A House.

a lot of people are jealous of my hometown.
they like to underestimate the power of a small town like Kulim.

"..ulu macam Kulim"

"do they really sell everything under the tree in Kulim?"

"Kulim 30minit je dh abes pusing"

haha fineee...
Say all you want, i am still in love with Kulim.
If i could choose another place to grow up in, it would be London. (okei x ada kaitan)
I spent 21 years of my life in Kulim.
I was born in Penang, but when I was 1 year old, my family moved to Kulim, because my Dad got a job there.
So I did a lot of growing up in Kulim.
It is a small town, ofcourse.
And yes, some things are still sold under the tree, like cendol and pasembor.
And the housing areas are named after sayur, buah, and fishes.
And yeah it only takes 30minutes to reach from one end to the other.
But thats what makes it so special :)

I miss the food.
I miss going to 7Eleven in the middle of the night for slurpee.
I miss my school.
I miss my friends.
I miss the Store.
I miss the KFC.
I miss the food.
I miss the food.
I miss my home.
I miss the food.
and most of all
I miss my family.